Compassionate communication

From EcoReality

Compassionate communication

• Compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and empathy for another and a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

• Compassionate communication (CC) (also known as NVC: Non-Violent Communication) was created by Marshall Rosenberg (www.cnvc.org) to indicate a process of communicating that is useful to mediate conflict, to heal and to reconciliate in communities and organizations worldwide.

1. Observe and describe. (Do not evaluate or judge)
2. Discover and express feelings.
3. Discover and express needs.
4. Make specific requests for action that would make a difference.

• These steps can be practised in conversation and #1-#3 can be practised individually also (a reflective process which can aid in achieving compassion when communicating with the other person).

• CC can be practised unilaterally and still achieve deep results. Ideally it is practiced bi-laterally (ie. both persons are aware of using CC to prevent, reconciliate, and resolve interpersonal conflict).

• It is not stated in the formal CC model, yet the practice of listening (and reflective listening) is central to the process.

• In the bi-lateral practice, CC practitioners are encouraged to actively collaborate on discovering ideas and selecting and committing to actions for change.

• Most practitioners have expressed that it takes about 12 months of regular practice group sessions working with the CC model to get familiar with identifying feelings and needs.

• EcoReality has indicated that compassionate communication is essential to its vision and forms one of its core values

Tips for Practice of Compassionate Communication

• Practising conscious reflection.
  • Ask myself - What actually happened?
    • Sometimes when I pause to name the facts or events, I will distinguish between what happened and the story I have thought about what happened.
    • When I pause to reflect on facts and separate them mentally from my evaluations or judgments or criticisms, I open myself to releasing my feelings and listening to the experience of the other person.
  • Ask myself - What am I feeling right now?
    • Name the feelings. Ascertain that they are not judgments, thoughts or evaluations about the actions of others.
    • Expression of feelings without judgments allows others to empathize (and so to fully understand) how their actions impact my inner world.
  • Use simple language.
  • Less is more.
  • Take responsibility for the feelings you choose to have.
• Needs
  • I allow having my feelings. I take care of them and release them in a way that is safe for all.
  • I acknowledge my feelings are created by me.
  • I acknowledge I have the power to determine what I need to shift.
  • I acknowledge responsibility for creating what I need (and asking for the help of others).
  • I am willing to take action to meet my own needs – this may include inviting others to make agreements.
  • Meeting my own needs may also mean shifting my own behaviour – generating and acting from awareness.
    • I will only make requests without being attached to the response.

• Here is an Example of using Compassionate Communication

Practising EcoReality’s Conflict resolution protocol using Compassionate Communication

How will I be to resolve conflict?

• be courageous
• be direct
• be loving
• be flexible and patient
• be forgiving and generous
• be collaborative and open to learning (ie. that their feelings and experience is different than mine)
• be in integrity with my word
• be vulnerable and willing

What will I do to resolve conflict?

• acknowledge that conflict and “negative emotions” serve to teach us all
• identify and take responsibility for my own feelings and needs.
• take the initiative
• use compassionate communication
• actively participate
• show up
• refuse to gossip
• choose what is mine, let be what is not mine
• do my best in each moment, expect that others are doing their best

What I will avoid:

• Interrupting and impatience.
• Put downs or negative slurs on the actions of other people.
• Intimidation, implied or direct.
• Intentionally hurtful, violent or negative language or physical contact

What is Reflective Listening?

• Reflective listening is:
  • listening deeply to the words that a person speaks and to what they do not say.

• Reflective listening achieves:
  • It allows the listener to grasp the full content of the message without becoming distracted by any emotionally-laden words.
  • It promotes suspension of judgments to allow full, deep listening and empathy.

• How to do reflective listening:
  • At each stage of conversation using CC, reflect on the observations, feelings and needs, requests that you hear the other person expressing.
  • Listen so that you capture the nut of what the other person is expressing.
  • Say feelings, needs and requests back to the person: paraphrasing and using verbal and nonverbal cues to summarize and say back what you heard. Allow the other person to agree that is what they said, or to express again in a different way.
  • Summarize - in your words. [“I heard you say….”]
  • Ask if you missed their point. Listen to their response and reflect again what you hear them saying.
  • Use silence and space to reflect before replying or questioning.
  • Practice Awareness, Presence
  • Make continuous eye contact
  • Consider that the best way to be listened to and to feel nurtured by others’ listening of you is to practice this skill with others.